Grandmother of eight makes hole in one (That's got to hurt!)

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing (We could all use a miracle like this)

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers (Watch out, and be ready to dodge a police cruiser!)

House passes gas tax onto senate
(Lay off the "Lunch Burrito Special")

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan (This just goes to show that some politicians will do anything!)

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
(Take your Jury Duty very serious!)

William Kelly was fed secretary (What?)

Milk drinkers are turning to powder (I knew additives were going to cause problems.)

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted (What? Flog the poor kids? Riding the bus is bad enough!)

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water (No wonder the Chinese are smaller and aren't obese.)

Farmer bill dies in house (I guess that if he had died on his tractor they wouldn't have reported it.)

Iraqi head seeks arms (What about some legs?)

Eye drops off shelf (I keep mine in their sockets to prevent this.)

Squad helps dog bite victim Come on guys, did the dog really need help?

Dealers will hear car talk at noon Big Deal! All they will hear is idle chatter.

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax The farmer should have had the ax locked up!

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests I've heard of roasting, but this is rediculous!

Miners refuse to work after death Way to go! Stick to your principles.

Two Soviet ships collide - one dies  The ship was buried at sea.

Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter  She told me to wait for her at checkstand #1 ...

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy Based on this headline the U.S. doesn't need to implement this goal.

Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 If we factor in inflation the amount would be about $2.500 today.

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better ...like maybe 200?

 

These are the "Here's Your Sign" Headlines

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

War dims hope for peace

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Man is fatally slain

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  I guess so in a large cemetary.